It does not matter now, she thought. Nothing does. She will close her eyes and everything will disappear. The world. The tears. The pain. That was what she hoped for, that was what she believed in, that was what she had never tried before. Because if she tried and it didn’t work, she would have nothing left to have faith in. Because if she closed her eyes and the pain were still there, she would be broken. She would be destroyed. Ruined. Quashed.

But today she was ready to take that risk. Today she wanted to stick to that little hope that everything might be if not fine, but at least okay. Today she wanted to close her eyes. So what if there was a good chance that she might be knocked down and broken into pieces. How did it matter if nobody cared? How did it matter if even she did not care?

Suddenly she noticed his picture on the table. It was an old one. She realized that she didn’t remember when it had been taken. Five years ago? Six? She didn’t know anymore. She didn’t care anymore. She didn’t want to know. Should she close the eyes now, she wondered. Let herself be drifted to the world of illusions, to the world where she remembered the pictures’ dates. Where she actually didn’t need pictures to look into his eyes.  Where she just did not need any pictures. Because he would be there.

She wanted to close her eyes. She really did. She hoped to see him in the world of her fantasies. She wanted to ask so many questions. She wanted to talk. She wanted to stay silent. She wanted to feel his presence. To feel his love. To feel him. To be with him. She wanted to stay there. For good. She wanted to close her eyes and never open them. No, she didn’t want to die. She only wanted to close her eyes. She wanted to dream. To hope. To live.

It was his birthday today. It was his first birthday after that car accident. It was his first birthday after the car accident that had changed their lives. It was his first birthday after thecar accident that had killed him. It was the first birthday. Damn it! She thought. It is the first birthday.

She didn’t ask “why” anymore. The time of questions had long passed. She did not cry anymore. Not in the day at least. And she did not smile anymore. All she wanted was one simple thing - to close her eyes, to disappear, to vanish. All she wanted was to live. With him.

Should I close the eyes? She asked. Silence. Of course, who would have replied to her? She was all alone. Wrapped by the blanket of loneliness. Stuck in the darkness of grief. Losing herself in an agony of silence. She was alone. And he was alone too. Somewhere. Maybe in another world. Maybe in the same one. Love like this does not end, she thought. Not this way. Not here. Not now. It just can’t end. It is not supposed to. It can’t. But he was not there. She knew that. She just was not ready to accept it. It didn’t feel right. It was not right. It was not…

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. A moment later she was smiling. He sat on the bench under an old oak tree. She sat down next to him. She didn’t say a word. Neither did he. They didn’t need words. They needed each other. And all they had to do was to close their eyes at the exact same time. And they did.

***

This was this week’s Tuesday Love Ramblings. You can read more of them here.