Before I proceed with the post I have an announcement to make. I know some of you have been waiting for Show Your Best contest’s results this week. However due to some circumstances I will be unable to post them before Saturday, 29th May. There will be also a new contest announcement on that day. I hope you all will understand and drop by to see the results and participate.

There has been a break on The Colors Magazine for more than a week (make it 2!). Now we are back and we start with this week’s Tuesday Love Ramblings

If Only: Short Story

She woke up and instantly checked the clock. 3 am. Not that bad, she thought. Yesterday it was 2 am, the day before she had not have any sleep at all. She hardly could sleep since he had gone. How could she sleep if he was not there. She was sitting on her bed, looking around, waiting, ready to see him enter the room. Though she knew he never would.

She remembered their last conversation. Brief one. Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought. I should have done something. I should have said something. I should have stayed. It had been ages ago but it seemed to her like it happened only yesterday. She remembered each word, each look, every tear, every gesture. She could see him standing close to her, she could feel his breath, she knew what he would say the very next moment.

If only she could go back in time. If only she could change things. If only she had listened to him, had believed him, had made him do something. She had not.

“I cant do it anymore… I cant”, he said.
“Why? What happened?” she asked looking absent-mindedly out of the window.
“I dont know, I just cant, everything is wrong, I am wrong, life is wrong.”
“Hey, it’s not that bad, is it? Dont see life so negative, darling, it might be bad at times but mostly it is beautiful. You just have a dark phase, you will get over it.”
“Not sure i can do it this time, I feel dead, in fact it has been for so long. And i am so tired. I guess it’s enough.”
“Don’t be that stupid, honey, you will be fine, I believe. All people do. We will talk later, I got to go.”

And then she had left. And they had never talked later. Because later had never come. He had left her.
And she was now alone. Sitting in this empty room, listening to the silence. Sometimes silence can tell you more than words. As it is the only witness of your pain, your tears, your sorrow.
Today’s silence was heavy as if something bad should happen. But what could be bad enough if the worst had happened already? If he had gone?

She didn’t cry today, enough tears in these last six months. She had been strong but what was the need in this strength if she stayed alone. The only thing that kept her alive were the memories. The first kiss, gentle and soft. The first date, romantic and crazy. First night walk under the moon. The time when he said, “I think I am in love with you.” The way she asked, “You think or you are?” And finally the words she treasured till now,  “I know i am in love with you”.

But what was the need in these memories when he had gone? If only she  had cared more, if only she  had asked, if only she had insisted on help. But she had not.

Why had he done this to her? Why had he have to leave her? He was weak, he had chosen the easiest way. If only she had been there.  She stood up, came close to the window, looked down. “High…too high”, she thought. But if he could do this, she would be able, too. If he dared to be weak to end his life this way, she wanted to be weak, too. After all these long months filled with loneliness, days filled with pain, hours willed with tears, minutes filled with despair she deserved the right to feel weak. She deserved a relief. Today she will do it. She was sitting on the sill, looking down. “High…too high”, again she thought. And then… she jumped. Just like he did…. six months ago.

The moment she jumped she woke up. Looked at the clock. 5 am. She knew tomorrow at 3 am she would be dying again. But for now the real death continued. The death of being without him. If only she could be weak.

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Also as you remember we had a writing contest not long ago and while not all winners got back to me regarding their prizes (if you read it now, I am still waiting for your mails), some already have. So why don’t you check out the blog of one of our winners - ShinLoo here