Not Anymore: When Love is Gone
“Sometimes the feelings you really mean are found in the letters which you write and never send”.
So for this week’s Tuesday Love Ramblings I have a letter for you to read… one of those that might have never been sent but yet speaks louder than any other. This letter is a part of the novel I once started writing and never got back to with hopes that I still have time to write that one. Wish me luck.
Dear James,
Yesterday someone asked me if I know you, a million of different thoughts, painful memories, broken dreams flashed through my mind, and I whispered… “not anymore”.
When I look back I always wonder what is it that went wrong. Where did we make that critical mistake? Was I not good enough? Was I not caring enough? Not loving enough?
I never asked for much, at least I think so… Can you tell me if I was wrong? I just wanted to be the girl you talk about, the only one you couldn’t live without… to be the one who makes your heart beat crazy. And I know I was. So when did it happen that I stopped being that girl?
When is that moment that changed everything for you? For us? The moment when you realized you had stopped loving me? The moment when you crashed each one of our dreams… dreams of being together, dreams of being happy, dreams of being US? Do you remember that moment? Can you take my hand and point with it to the date when everything changed? Can you? Will you? Do you want to?
And for how long after that day, that moment, we still have tried to hold on to it so tight, so desperate, so “together”. Maybe because we both still had this fear that something so beautiful like we had had won’t happen twice. And maybe it won’t. But for the sake of both of us I still do hope it will.
You know, one of the saddest things in life is to love someone who used to love you. And now I do not really know what actually hurts more: thinking that I should hate you or knowing that I don’t. But what really hurts more than losing you is knowing that you just walked away without ever looking back. No word, no smile, no explanations. You just erased me. You erased us, as if we had never existed.
I had never known before how hard it is to let go of someone. Or rather to let go of something which once was not a part of your life, but which actually WAS your life. Because if you let go of life, what does remain there? And can you let go of something completely? Have you? Could you? Do you still have memories? Do you still go to places where we were together? Do you meet with friends who know both of us? Do they ask you about me like they ask me about you? What do you tell them? If anything? Do you remember things like they used to be? Or did you manage to erase everything? If you did, teach me how to do this, because maybe… but just maybe… I would want to erase them too.
Because maybe I don’t want to cry anymore at nights. And maybe I don’t want to think about you anymore. And I don’t want to remember… don’t want to feel… don’t want to wonder… I just don’t want. But I can’t help it. Can you? Did you? Just let me know HOW? Though probably more than HOW I want to know WHY…
I would have given you the world if you had given me the chance. But then… Some dreams weren’t meant to come true….I learned that from you.
Remember one day you said we shouldn’t say “I love you” when we don’t mean it, because when we mean it what will we say? So now I say “I love you”… but you are allowed to skip the replying part, else what will you say when you mean it?
Not yours anymore,
Lily
That’s it. Remember love is very fragile. It might be the strongest feeling in the world but it needs the utmost care. It makes us survive through some days and break on others. Not all of us are lucky to find what we call true love. But even less than that are able to handle this feeling the way it should be. And then love is just… gone. And the world crashes. And nothing is the same anymore. And nothing will be. So if you were lucky enough to find LOVE, why don’t you call your loved one right now and tell them that you love them. Life is short. Make it memorable. Make it love-ly. Make someone happy. Handle your love with care.
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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Lena, I love the vulnerability in this. It is haunting and real, and what person hasn’t written this letter at one point or another in their life. The one sentence that really stuck with me tho, was when she talked about wondering how he could act as if their love never existed, and was just erased. I’ve felt that from both angles honestly. I think it is so easy to fall into the illusion of love. When the illusion pops for one of them, it does feel like it never happened. Sad but so true, and the other person is left holding onto, well, to feathers. (Not to relate too closely to the CON contest or anything.
Great Lena. Honest and heart rending.
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The Colors Magazine
Thank you so much for your warm words. This encouragement means a lot to me. Actually I sometimes comfort myself by saying that the lack of writing skills I compensate with emotions
That is what I wanted to pain in this piece. I am so glad you felt it 
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Wonderful thoughts beautifully portrayed. As you state, love must be nourished to grow. It requires daily attention in many little ways. We’re not perfect, so some days we’re better at this than others and sometimes we’re mistaken in some directions we send our affections and we get hurt. But, all in all, love is worth the work and the heartache from time to time.
I encourage you to pick up your book writing and continue. From someone who has written for over nearly 20 years (although not under this pen name) I can tell you love and writing have something in common. They each need to be tended to daily to grow. Good luck!
[Reply]
The Colors Magazine
Thank you for your wonderful input. I will try my best to keep writing as it always makes me feel better. I agree that love and writing is the same in may ways. Great analogy. I have not thought about it same way before.
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Wish you good luck. I believe you can make it excellent piece. Your writing is real and touching. Lovely piece.
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The Colors Magazine
Thanks a lot for the wishes! I am glad you liked my writing
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how abt a Letter like this…
I never asked for much, at least I think so… Can you tell me if I was wrong? I just wanted to be the boy you talk about, the only one you couldn’t live without… to be the one who makes your heart beat crazy. And I know I was. So when did it happen that I stopped being that boy?
Cheers!
[Reply]
The Colors Magazine
ummm… I can’t write a letter like this because it won’t fit into my novel
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//but you are allowed to skip the replying part, else what will you say when you mean it?
/// aww that is so well said …
nothings pains more than a broken heart… and it doesnt subside easily also…
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The Colors Magazine
Absolutely agree. it always takes time.
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and yea… beautiful as ever.. i love love ramblings!
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The Colors Magazine
I know you do
Thanks!
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Yesterday someone asked me if I know you, a million of different thoughts, painful memories, broken dreams flashed through my mind, and I whispered… “not anymore”.
Been there, done that — and found myself mixing that same messy soup of emotions when I’ve gotten that question in the past. Nice way to capture the essence and melancholy.
Ken
lowattentionspan.blogspot.com
[Reply]
The Colors Magazine
Thanks, Ken!
I guess many of us had to feel the same at some point of our life. I tried to picture emotions. Hoped I succeeded.
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Here are my wishes… Get the novel complete at the earliest..
And about the letter…. It was painful… I mean should one revisit the past and bring pain to himself and that too when one puts it in words the pain would be more… After they have split, why the letter that would bring unnecessary pain to both of them… These are my sincere thoughts.
bt on other thoughts agree with rajalakshmi - nothing pains more than a broken heart…
[Reply]
The Colors Magazine
Thanks for the wishes, Suresh! I wish I could.
I would not agree though, I somehow feel that if you write your pain down it sets you free and you eventually get better.
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If love doesn’t turn to hate its rally painful to part with somebody you love. And memories……do they ever die…I doubt. Nicely narrated emotional post.
[Reply]
The Colors Magazine
I guess memories stay forever. And with time from painful ones they turn to nostalgic one and make you smile. But only with time.
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Where does love go when it’s gone? And, when did it start leaving? We’ll always wrestle with those two questions. I like that the writer in your piece keeps questioning but never finds the answer she needs. So true. Love can make us miserable and some wounds don’t heal, but it’s worth a scar sometimes. Besides, if your heart didn’t break, it could never open.
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The Colors Magazine
you should add one more question to that -”if it was love?”
And I agree that sometimes it’s worth a scar. Because if we don’t risk for love, then what else is worth risking?
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Aw, that’s really sad. It’s very eloquent and beautifully written but I didn’t want to read it because it’s so sad. I felt her pain.
I hope that she, whoever she is, trusts that she is worth being loved, just as she is and that one fine day, someone worthy of her love will come into her life
Happy endings do happen, if you believe xxx
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The Colors Magazine
I promise you that my novel will have a happy ending, I love them myself.
I wanted the readers to feel her pain, if they did it means that i managed to do what i planned.
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I like your love story. Beautifully written and yes, I agree with you, love is fragile. You are a good writer indeed!
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The Colors Magazine
I am glad you liked my story. Love is indeed to fragile and it needs only one wring word or a deed to break it.
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Lena feel like person full of love. I understand what she has written. I love everything I’ve gotten!!! ♥
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The Colors Magazine
I am glad you feel this way about my writing
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I agree with one of your replies above about how it’s therapeutic to get the hate out of you and onto paper. Hell, that’s how I wrote my first novel (which will never see the light of day).
Great letter, I look forward to more.
-Jeannie
Jeannie´s last blog ..Writing prompt: what would have happened if…
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