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Her Last Breath: 55 Fiction

2 October 2009 12 Comments

Contest Entry #14: Her Last Breath

Darkness was threatening to consume her.

Echoing in her ears were lullabies once sung by her mother. Torturous pain seared through the tiny mass as someone pulled her leg. Ruthlessly she was dragged out in her final moments. Blank.

Murdered by betrayal.

“Abortion successful”.

Author: Rajlakshmi, blogging at http://destinychildosheen.blogspot.com

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12 Comments »

  • Geraldine said:

    Oh, this was tough to read. Well written though.

    [Reply]

    # 3 October 2009 at 12:51 am
  • Aniket said:

    Another baby dies. Though I guess the baby’s POV makes it much more horrific.

    [Reply]

    # 3 October 2009 at 2:02 pm
  • Anwesa said:

    heart-wrenching!!i sigh….i guess its aimed at female foeticide,rampant in most parts of India.

    [Reply]

    # 3 October 2009 at 3:55 pm
  • zahid said:

    The line here is ‘Darkness was threatening to consume her’. Just passed as a sentence in the first line. But that single line is the whole story !!!

    [Reply]

    # 3 October 2009 at 11:25 pm
  • Hemanth Potluri said:

    nicely written but heartfelt…

    urs..hemu..

    [Reply]

    # 4 October 2009 at 12:28 pm
  • Winnie the poohi said:

    I kinda have questions about the story line…

    If she could hear lullabies.. she should be older than 3 months.. hence cannot be aborted.. or did the mom to be hear the lullabies? then it cant be called murder by betrayal.. in this context.. may be i am wrong… A hard hitting story indeed.. but left me with questions!

    [Reply]

    # 4 October 2009 at 10:29 pm
  • Brian said:

    Well written. I liked it but, for me, it’s a bit too “on the nose” at the end.

    I’m conflicted because there is enough left to the imagination, but the last line just feels like a highlighter.

    I’m somewhat new to 55 fiction, so I realize the point is really the buildup and final line.

    But again, very well done.

    [Reply]

    # 6 October 2009 at 11:58 pm
  • Bhaskar said:

    A very moving and heart felt write. And so very well worded. Best of luck in the contest

    [Reply]

    # 7 October 2009 at 5:45 pm
  • Gleenn said:

    This is very heavy, i felt scared reading it. I’m always anxious about any physical pain and I don’t dare imagine it. You made me. :)

    [Reply]

    # 7 October 2009 at 6:10 pm
  • Rajlakshmi said:

    Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement…
    This is not only my first ever 55 fiction but first ever fiction work and I am really glad it caught some of your attentions… Thanks again.

    @Winnie the Poohi
    Quite an obeservation :) and thats a valid point as well… and also a foetus can feel pain only after 20 weeks I guess :) …
    but when I was writing it, I didnt think about the scientific aspect… for instance take this line - ‘The tree cried and bleed as the axe went through it’ … I was trying to write something on that line… A metaphor … All I wanted to say is like any other baby, a foetus is also a baby… though still developing… and it has emotions too…
    Thanks a lot for your inputs :)

    All the best :)

    [Reply]

    # 8 October 2009 at 9:27 am
  • pj said:

    one of the saddest things which happens in this world…:( :(
    but nice tat u took a topic as this …
    :)

    [Reply]

    # 11 October 2009 at 7:09 am
  • The Colors Magazine (author) said:

    that was indeed one of the best entries in the contest. Congratulations!

    [Reply]

    # 13 October 2009 at 3:59 pm

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