“Do you think it is normal to talk to yourself?” Stella asked looking at Jason out of the corners of her eyes.
“Ummm…” Jason seemed to be amused with her facial expression.

“So what do you think?” She asked again.

“About what?”

“About what I just have asked.”

“And what have you asked?”

“I have asked if…” Stella began … but then she realized he was teasing her. “Stop it, you idiot.”

“Stop what?” He asked pretending he had no idea what she was talking about.

“Whatever you have in your mind, just stop it.”

“So…” A smile flitted across his face. “If I had in mind to come closer to my babygirl…” He stood up and came near Stella. “And if I planned to take her pretty face into my hands…” Stella swallowed but Jason continued. “And if I wanted to steal a kiss.” His lips were now so close that she could feel his breath. “But no.” He turned his face away. “I have just to stop it, right?”

And he walked back to his desk.

“You… you… you are just…” Stella could not find words.

“Unbearable?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Annoying?”

“Yes.”

“Sick?”

“Yes.”

“But you love me?”

“Yes. Ohh… No!!” She shouted, being taken unawares.

He laughed. She angrily threw a pillow at him but then joined him in the laugh.
After they both had calmed down she asked one more time, “So what do you think, is it normal to talk to yourself?”

“You are stubborn, aren’t you?” Jason smiled gently at her.

“Yep.” She nodded. “Now tell me finally.”

“Tell you what?” Smiles sparkled in his eyes again.

“Don’t start it over again!” She warned him.

“Ok, sweetheart, I won’t. So you talk to yourself, don’t you?”

“Sometimes.”

“What was your latest discussion?”

She looked at him attentively trying to figure out if he was teasing her again. He seemed to be serious though, so after a moment of hesitation she said, “Yesterday I went to the market to buy some vegetables. So I was asking myself what I should cook. And then I replied.”

“You replied to whom?” Jason asked uncomprehending.

“To myself, you idiot!”

“Ahhh…” He drawled. “So what did you reply?”

“I replied that I should cook broccoli.”

“Huh? But we had had broccoli the day before yesterday,” he again interrupted.

“Exactly,” Stella smiled at him. “That was exactly what I had told to myself that we had had broccoli the day before.”

“So what did you reply?”

“To whom?”

“To yourself, you silly. What did you reply to yourself after you had said that the broccoli should not be there on plate?”

“I…” She hesitated. “I suggested getting cauliflower.”

“Oh woman!” Jason exclaimed. “Isn’t it almost the same?”

“Jason, you are scaring me. That was exactly what I had replied to myself.” Stella sounded really surprised.

“But what did you reply to yourself when you had said that cauliflower is almost the same as broccoli? Wait, let me guess… you decided to go for asparagus.” Jason smiled happily.

“But… how did you know?” Stella could not hide her astonishment.

“Well…” Jason replied. “Due to metaphysical processes in the entire Universe yesterday morning the only conclusion that could have been made upon the empirical observations of the behavior of a certain social being (we are talking about you, Stella) was that you should buy and cook asparagus.”

“Really?” Stella was impressed.

“Of course, not, dear.”

“Then?”

“Umm… we had asparagus for lunch yesterday, honey. Remember?”

“Go. To. Hell. Jason. Matthew. Sullivan.” Stella trilled with laughter.

Jason came close to her, hugged her tight and whispered, “It is totally normal to talk to yourself, sweetheart. Don’t worry!”

She hid her face on his chest trying to strangle a laugh.

“So, what is your favorite memory of Jason, Stella?” The priest asked one more time and his voice brought her back from the walk down the memory lane.

“I… I…” She stumbled. “He was the best man among all of us,” she managed to utter. “He was…” She burst into a rage of tears, first tears after his death. “He was the best,” she concluded and ran away. Her sister, Angela, wanted to follow her, but the priest stopped her. “She needs some time for herself,” he said. “They were such a loving couple.”

Few hours later Stella came back to the church. Everyone seemed to have left and nothing could disturb her solitude. Neither she nor Jason were Believers in the real sense of this word but she visited here sometimes. She didn’t know what brought her back here all the time, faith, hope or something else. But she always enjoyed the spiritual silence of this place. She could not say her irregular visits made her feel any better but she was not feeling worse either. So she kept on coming every time when the whirlpool of her emotions needed to be calmed down. She didn’t know how to pray but she believed if He was there he would know she was trying to talk to him. And in minutes of sullen despair, which didn’t happen often though, she came there and talked to God in her own special way. She could not remember if things usually went better right after her visits or later, but eventually they did, and maybe that was the force which had always drawn her back here.

Stella sat down, closed her eyes and tried to find words to talk to Him today. No word seemed right though, so she just sat there silently and tears rained down her cheeks. She didn’t try to keep them back because at that moment she only needed to vent her grief in a torrent of tears. She didn’t know for how long she had been sitting there like that, crying in silence. But after what seemed a moment to her she stood up and left the church, her mind at rest.

Not a single did time the question “Why?” cross her mind. Maybe because she knew that it made no sense to ask now. No questions would bring Jason back. Ever. So she buried all the questions deep inside and tried to live a new life. It was tough. It was even tougher than she expected. She changed everything she could in her life. She sold their – oh! how many sweet memories – house and moved into a new – no memories at all – apartment. She cut all – really all – contacts, she even changed her phone number. There were now people of the past and people of the present. Most people from the first group didn’t make it to the second one. It was too painful to see their friends, hundreds of memories flashed then in her mind and she could not hold her tears. The only person from the past she stayed in regular touch with was Jason’s mother, Mrs. Sullivan. Every second Sunday Stella visited her and two women who had suffered a huge loss drank coffee together and cried their pain out. After few months they cried less and talked more, maybe that was their idea of healing their wounded souls.

Of course Stella could not avoid every person from her past and every now and then she literally bumped into one or another of her and Jason’s friends and then neither she nor that person knew what to talk about. She tried to end the conversation as soon as possible and the other person didn’t seem to mind at all. After few minutes of the usual pleasantries’ exchange she used to say she was in a hurry – and most of times she really was – and after a promise to call she practically ran away. She never called. Neither did her friends. Well, they tried to reach her during the initial weeks after the tragedy but it was all in vain. She didn’t want to stay in touch and soon they realized it and one by one they stopped calling her up or accidentally dropping by. One would never want to impose himself upon the person whose deepest wish was to hide from the ghosts of the past. Or maybe they were even relieved not to be forced to talk to her because what could be said to someone who had lost the most important thing in her life, her inner strength.

And so her life went on. Slow, dull, monotonous. If you could paint one’s life with colors, Stella’s would be a grey one. And not the one with different shades of grey, but rather the life painted with only one color - dawn grey. As if someone casted a gloom over Stella’s life and struck a damp into her heart. She seemed not to notice it though. She lived life as it came to her and took everything as if it was meant to be. And only sometimes, on rainy days, she looked out of her bedroom window and listened to the drip of rain drops and it seemed to her as if her soul replied in unison. Plash, plash, drip-drop. The rain outside, the rain inside. Drip-drop, her soul cried.

After the rain she would sit on the bed, hug her pillow and let the pain drift her away into the world where Jason was alive and they could talk and laugh and dance. They were happy. And life was colorful. But - drip-drop – the reality always brought her back no matter how much she resisted.

Her sister, Angela, visited her once in a week. Seeing Stella so indifferent to everything around her Angela insisted that her sister should start searching for a job. Stella had not worked for few years. Jason loved it when he came back home and she was already waiting for him with dinner ready on the table. And she truly enjoyed managing a household and caring for Jason. After he had passed away she had enough money left in their bank account that she could afford not to work for a couple years and the sale of their house added few more years to that. And the thought about finding a job never struck her mind. Even when Angela first mentioned it this idea scared Stella and her reply was a big ‘No’. Angela saw there was no point in convincing Stella now and left with nothing. But after a couple of months she approached her sister again, this time with a specific job offer.

One of Angela’s friends mentioned to her about a free vacancy in his company. It was a marketing agency and they searched for a web designer. That was something that Stella loved and could do really well. Sometimes she took up several web design jobs as a freelancer but it had been years since she worked in some company. And even if she was thrilled about the possibility to work on something she enjoyed doing but she was scared as well so her first reaction when Angela told her about that job was like,

“Hell, no. Angela, I told you I don’t want to work now.”

“But that is something you always wanted to do,” Angela demurred.

“Maybe, it is. But I am not ready yet.”

“Then when will you be ready?”

“I am even not qualified for this job.”

“Oh yes, as if you have never done anything like that,” replied Angela with an indignant mien.
“Look at the job description, sis,” Stella’s voice softened.

“Yes, let’s have a look together.” Angela switched on the laptop and logged into her mail account. After a minute she found a mail from her friend with the attached description of the vacancy.

Web/Graphic Designer with creative flair, a keen eye for design and technical skills in HTML, CSS, Photoshop and Illustrator sought to join the Kensington Marketing Agency.
You will be interacting with Product Managers from the New Media team and developers from the Back End development teams in order to produce inspiring, fresh and Web 2.0 focused Web designs with a strong focus on usability.
Communication skills, creativity and a passion for good Web design are critical for success in this role, but you will also need skills previously gained as a Web Designer undertaking design work with Photoshop and Illustrator and build work with HTML, CSS and ideally JavaScript/AJAX.
If you are looking for a Web Designer position within a respected award winning organisation where you will get the chance to feed your interest in User Experience and User Centred Design, developing with technologies such as HTML, CSS and JavaScript then please send your CV to apply now!
All relevant applicants will be contacted within three days for telephone interview, and all applications will be treated in the strictest of confidence.

“So you see,” Stella exclaimed. “I am absolutely not suitable for this job.”

“Oh, aren’t you?” Angela asked, smile playing on her lips. “You know HTML, CSS and Photoshop, right?”

“Ummm…” Stella mumbled something.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes I do.”

“Illustrator?”

“Who is it?”

Angela didn’t appreciate the joke.

“Do you know it or not?”

“Yes I worked on it,” Stella answered.

“And you know about Web2.0?”

“Who does not?”

“Well… I don’t.”

“You are not supposed, you are a school teacher. What was your subject once again? Oh, right, geography.”

“Yes, speaking of school… I remember having seen some certificates on completing JavaScript courses. I bet I am right.”

“Why are you my sister?” Stella asked musingly.

“Because we share parents?” Angela retorted.

“How very funny!”

“How very suitable are you for this job!”

“I am not!”

“You are!”

“I am not.”

“And that is why if I may ask?”

“Because… because…” Stella was searching for an excuse and after a minute she blurted out, “Because I don’t have a CV.”

Angela couldn’t help laughing. “Is that all?” She asked.

“Yes,” Stella looked at her sister with the most serious face expression she ever had had. But couldn’t hold on like that for more than a minute and soon both young women were laughing their heads off.

Few minutes later when the uncontrollable laughter ceased, Angela took Stella’s hands, looked into her eyes and assured her, “You will get this job, sweets. You will.”

Stella smiled sheepishly and nodded in reply.

In a couple of hours Stella attached her newly compiled CV to an e-mail message and before hitting the send button she glanced one more time at her sister seeking encouragement.

“Just do it,” Angela smiled.

A moment later the mail was sent. Angela thought of calling her friend in that company and asking him for assistance, but Stella talked her out of it.

“If I get this job, I don’t want to give anyone credits for this,” she declared.

“Really?” Angela raised the eyebrows mockingly.

“You are my sister; you can’t seriously expect any credits.”

Only few seconds had passed before the pillow from Stella’s bed hit her head.

“Ouch,” she cried. “What was that for?”

“High is the price of ignoring the sister’s contribution to your happiness,” Angela replied.

“Yes, dear,” Stella retorted. “But it is paid off now.”

And the sisters again burst out laughing.

Next morning a call woke Angela up. She had no morning classes that day and decided to treat herself with a longer sleep so this disturbance was really inaptly but when she picked up the phone she heard Stella’s excited voice,

“They called me, Angela. They called me up and invited for an interview tomorrow morning.”

“I am so happy for you, honey. Once you show up there they will not have any doubts about who deserves this job.”

“Thank you, Angela. Without you I would never have sent my CV there. Now am going to get ready for the interview. Need to read some stuff. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck, sweetheart. You’ll handle it successfully.”

But Stella didn’t. The company searched for someone more experienced and rather more male which they had forgotten to mention in their vacancy ad.

“Next time there will be more luck,” Angela commented philosophically.

But the next time the story repeated. And the time after that. And again. And again. And again. Nobody wanted to hire a young woman who hadn’t worked for any company for years. Her portfolio was not enough to impress them and they kept repeating they wanted someone with more professional experience.

And each time Angela only said, “You will have more luck next time, dear.”

But when this next time will come, Stella thought, her mind filled with turbid thoughts.
This job hunt lasted for a few months and with each coming day Stella was closer to giving up. She was a good designer and she loved this work but the numerous agencies and companies she had had interviews with seemed to be searching for something else which obviously she did not have.

She had been thinking a lot, considering the financial aspect – I do have money anyways, taking into account her professional goals – I can always work as a freelancer, convincing herself it was for her own good only – I wouldn’t be able to work in team. But on the day when she finally decided to give up – what was the point of trying anyways – Angela called and told her that a friend of a friend of another friend… or something like that had some open vacancy in his advertising agency and if Stella came for an interview today in two hours he would consider her for this position.

And since Stella didn’t lose anything by trying, she asked for the address and headed to their office, giving herself a promise that if this time it didn’t work out, she would stop this fruitless hunt and enjoy her jobless status.

But she didn’t have to. Mr. Walter, the owner, didn’t ask many questions, he only looked at her previous works and announced that she was exactly the kind of professional he was searching for his company. Stella smiled triumphant and asked when she had to start. Her first day in the new office was supposed to be on the coming Monday. She had the weekend to celebrate the end of her job hunting affair with her sister and to re-read some work related stuff because she didn’t want to appear as an amateur on her very first day.

For now she was happy she got this job and only few years later she found out that Mr. Walter was a good friend of Angela’s father-in-law and Stella’s getting this job was not pure luck or her professional qualities.

She remembered her first day in the office very well. She was not scared, she just didn’t know what to expect. During the first meeting she tried to remember the names of all the people she was introduced to and being occupied with this anything but a simple task she totally missed on the subject of the meeting. Great, she thought. On my first day I don’t even know what the company is currently working at. But these were needless fears because people treated her friendly and the projects she had to handle were challenging.

In the evening she caught a reflection of herself in the mirror and noticed that she was smiling. She had not been smiling to herself for months and now she liked this long forgotten sensation. She was one step closer to the complete recovery.

Days went by. Office had become a part of her life and she could not imagine she had ever thought she would not be able to work in team. She loved her job and never ending projects kept her mind occupied almost all the time. In the evenings she usually stayed at home reading a book or watching movies. Sometimes she went out with her colleagues for dinner but that was more often an exception than a rule. And she still avoided people from her past as obstinately as she visited Jason’s mother. The old woman seemed to have got over her loss - of course as much as a mother could get over the death of her only child.

They still spent every second Sunday together talking about Stella’s job and her plans, the weather and politics, neighbors and government. Sometimes they took old photo albums and turned over the pages, peeping into the memories of what seemed to be now other life.

Stella and Jason’s wedding day. She - in white. He - in black. Smiling at each other. Happy.

Their first Christmas together. Stella unwrapping gifts. Jason trying on a red jersey she had got for him.

Jason working on his laptop.

Jason making faces .

Jason in the kitchen cutting vegetables.

Jason. Jason. Jason.

They had stopped crying on seeing the pictures months ago. But Stella still had a lump in throat feeling each time she saw them together on a photo.

“You have to get married again,” Jason’s mother told her one day.

Stella could not believe her ears. “But,” she tried to object.

“There is no but, honey,” Mrs. Sullivan explained. “You are a young woman, you deserve to feel loved again, and you deserve to be happy. You need to have kids after all.”

That last argument did not convince Stella at all. “I can’t,” she said. “I cannot marry someone else. It would be such a betrayal to him.”

“It won’t, dear. He is not here anymore and I am sure all he would want for you is your happiness. You need to accept that he is gone and try to build up your future.”

Stella was moved by the concern of her mother-in-law but she could not find words to explain that she didn’t want to get married again.

“Just promise me you will think about it,” the old woman didn’t give up.

Stella gave a promise, deep inside knowing she would not give it the second thought.
However she did. The same evening she lay in bed, her thoughts ranging over past, present and future. She remembered each moment of her life with Jason. From the moment they had met till the day of his last breath. Memories of the past filled her mind and suddenly her eyes blurred with tears. She cried silently, tears running down her cheeks. Soon she could not gulp down the sobs, and the next few minutes her body was shaking. After a while she calmed down, hugged the pillow and fell asleep, eyes swollen with tears.

When she woke up the next morning she looked as miserable as she felt, so she decided to skip the office and called in sick. That day she spent in bed crying and sleeping, sleeping and crying. Thinking and wondering. Trying to make decisions. Crying again. She thought she had collected all bits and pieces of her poor soul during these last months but it turned out she had not. And this revelation almost crashed her; she seemed to have lost her identity. Yet again.

She didn’t know when she was sleeping and when not. Reality and dreams were mixed up and as messed as she was. She didn’t know when and how it happened, but she saw Jason. Maybe it was a dream, maybe it was not. But he was there. He came near her, touched her face. This familiar gesture made her comfortable at once. He didn’t say a word, just sat down close to her and they listened to the silence together.

“I love you,” she whispered after a while.

“Shh…” He placed his index finger onto her lips.

“But…” her eyes said.

“I know,” his look replied.

“I love you,” her soul shouted.

“I love you too.” He smiled.

“What should I do?” Her heart asked him.

“You know it, angel.”

“But?”

He only smiled.

“And?”

He smiled again.

“What if?”

He came as close as he could to her and she felt – did she really feel it? – the touch of his lips on her skin.

“There won’t be any if,” she heard him saying. “You will be fine.”

When she woke up – was she sleeping at all? – she knew what she got to do. Her mind cleared and her heart opened.

She took the phone book, found a number and called up.

“Hello, how can I help you?” A soft voice answered.

“What do I need to adopt a child?” Stella asked.